Thoughts to the Dead
by TDL54
Summary: Sometimes all we can do is be angry for a while. It takes time to truly discover how we feel. Especially after someone is gone. -Rated M for language-


I hate you for this. I will never forgive you.

I might as well tell you now, you sick bastard. I have lost any respect I had for you. I have lost any….. positive fucking emotion I held for you at all. Not that there was much. But no. Now there is nothing. I hate you. I cannot forgive you. Not for this. Not for leaving me.

Not for dying. There I said it. I hate you for dying.

Call me a bitch or whatever you like. What you did that day made you dead to me. But actually dying was never part of my plan. It was never something I expected. But you did it anyway.

Selfish asshole.

If I was crazy enough I might think you did this on purpose. After all, it always seemed your purpose in life was to fuck me.

And now you have accomplished what could be the absolute best conquest of all time. You have fucked me senseless and left me without reason. Good job. I applaud you.

_I_

And I don't understand why you did what you did. You never loved Annette. Maybe you thought you did, but it was all bullshit. People like us aren't meant for silly things like love. You're not capable. And neither am I. It's the way we are.

But why you tried to convince yourself is beyond me. You didn't know Annette. You barely knew her at all. All you had were two facts: she was infatuated with you and we had a bet. That was all. And even I know that love can't come from that. Really, I thought you were smarter.

When you came to me that last time, I wanted to give you your reward. I really did. But if I followed through, we would be ruined. Our relationship was built on games and teasing. Without it….what would we be? Nothing. So I didn't give you myself. I thought you would get over it and realize that you were never in love. You never cared about Annette. I thought things would go back to the way they used to be. I thought we would go back.

A bet is just another game after all. And we are experts at games. Especially with each other.

But I guess I took things too far. Or maybe you just became more of a pussy than I thought. You went back to her. You just fucking went back to your downfall. And I couldn't let that go. I could never just let you walk away from me.

Because you fucking belong to me. You are mine. Just like I am yours. Maybe not in the lovey-dovey way that you wanted so fucking much, but in the only way people like us can belong to one another. Maybe you never knew that, but I always did. And for a long time, I thought you did too.

_I_

When you died, I didn't move from my spot on the couch for hours, days maybe. Honestly, I doubt I even blinked. Nothing seemed real anymore. Nothing seemed real as soon as I heard the news. I dropped the phone and sat down. I don't know how long it was before I passed out. Maybe an hour, a day, I really have no idea. But I could care less.

I haven't cried yet. Is that surprising? I don't know what I think about that either. The doctors say it hasn't sunk in yet that you're never coming back. Maybe they are right. After all, I am referring to you as if you were still alive. Still here. Still with me.

Goddamn you! You have fucking ruined me, Sebastian. Look at me! I have become a fucking mess. I hope you're thrilled. I hope that wherever the fuck you are, you are extremely happy over what you have done. I hope you're enjoying how you have destroyed me. I hope someone is. Who am I kidding? The whole fucking school is probably rejoicing.

Just like you undoubtedly are.

God…if you only knew what you have done. Truly, now that I think about it, I doubt you really know. You could never know. Not with me.

_I_

And the worst thing is I still miss you. After everything you have done to me, I still miss you. After all, you are mine.

But I still hate you. I can't forgive you. I don't think I ever can. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still yours too.

Even in death, we will always belong to each other. Nothing could change that. Nothing.


End file.
